Sick nicknames: Can anyone win this war of words?

Q■ Bob Franken / Columnist
uick! What does Kim Jong Un have in common with Hillary Clinton, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, most journalists and so many Americans who have somehow crossed President Donald Trump? You already know the answer: Kim is now a Donald Trump Trash Talk Target.
“Rocket Man” Kim now joins “Crooked Hillary,” “Lyin’ Ted,” “Little Marco” and the “Fake News Media,” along with a slew of others who have crossed Donald Trump and become nicknamed recipients of Donnie’s Antagonistic Childish Attacks, better known as DACA. (You thought DACA stood for something else? You must be dreaming.)
Now, the North Koreans are no slouches when it comes to smack talk. Rocket Man fired his own ICBM (Insult Carrying Buffoonish Missile) aimed at Target Trump, calling him a “Mentally deranged U.S. dotard.” What followed was a spike in people searching for the definition of “dotard,” which means “senile old man.” Maybe Pyongyang is onto something.
As one might expect, particularly one who has been around children, the Dotard Son of Queens hurled his own playground taunt, calling the Rocket Man “obviously a madman.” Take THAT!
It would be huuuuugely entertaining to watch these juveniles, Rocket and Dotard, were it not for the fact that they’re playing on a nuclear schoolyard. Still, it’s just been a war of words. So far.
It’s scary to believe that the safety of humanity is in the hands of such hotheaded delinquents. Kim is finding out that Trump has been immature a lot longer than he has; Dotard Don has decades more experience at name-calling.
Isn’t it high time though, that he got the same treatment? We need to agree on one Trump label that needs no explanation, but where do we begin? Is it possible to describe the total Donald? We can only try.
Where his presidency might have started is in Moscow, and that’s where it might end, if special counsel Bob Mueller hits the jackpot and proves that Donald Trump personally colluded with his buddy Vladimir Putin to steal the election, or at least knew what was going on. With that in mind, the ideal tag for him would be “Comrade Donald” or “Traitor Trump.” That last one is quite punchy. Like “Trader Joe’s.” Or “Tater Tots.”
Or maybe we need to create a task force to choose one. The Inane Nickname Commission would have to be bipartisan, a group of our brightest citizens whose reputation for fairness is unimpeachable, unlike our current president. That would leave out Hillary, who would be lobbying for “Deplorable Donny,” and Rubio, who would advocate calling him the “Small Handyman.”
So forget them. It would have to be someone like Jeff Sessions. While it’s true that he’s recently been on Trump’s snit list, he could be fair–never has Sessions been accused of attacking anyone who’s white. So put him on the roster of prospects.
Maybe Mitch McConnell would be another. How about Chuck Schumer or Nancy Pelosi to represent the Democrats. When McConnell ratchets up any emotion whatsoever, he secretly despises Donald Trump, but he’s balanced by Trump’s newest buds Schumer and Pelosi. They’d better act quickly, though. If Mueller’s investigation results in President Trump being removed from office and put on trial, he’ll have a nickname all right: “Docket Man.”

(c) 2017 Bob Franken
Distributed by King Features Synd.

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